Dealing with Adolescents

by Lynn K. McMullin

Last night, I had the opportunity to enjoy a humorous, yet very practical program with Dr. Anthony Wolf, author of Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall: The Parents Guide to the New Teenager. The program was hosted by the Canton Youth Services Bureau and the Canton Community of Concern. This weekend, the first thing I’m going to do, is log onto amazon.com and order Dr. Wolf’s book.

As parents in the audience, we felt like Wolf had looked in on our house and had somehow met our children. Wolf had us laughing at our kids, yes! -- but at ourselves, too, because we really do know what to say to our teens.

Wolf explained that inside every adolescent a little war is raging between the ‘baby self’ (which wants to be taken care of) and the ‘mature self’ (which wants to grow up and be in charge). In fact, he said our ‘baby self’ is still with us even in adulthood; we just manage it better. All day long at school, with friends, at sports, and at play, the adolescent works at letting his or her ‘mature self’ dominate. That's why teachers and adults tells us such wonderful things. However, at home, with parents, in a desire to return to the blissfulness of childhood, the ‘baby self’ emerges in our teen. Unfortunately, the ‘baby self’ is impatient, fussy, and demanding. The ‘baby self’ does not look at itself honestly, judge itself, or have a conscience. It simply wants what it wants. Wolf’s examples were very true and very funny:
“Mom, can I go to the mall?”
“No, dear, it’s a school night, and you’re fighting a cold.”
“I’ll be home by 9:30, and you know the mall closes at 9:30.”
“That’s not the point. I don’t want you out on school nights.”
“But, that’s not fair. You let Matt do all kinds of stuff because he’s a boy.”
“Matt is older. Besides we’re not talking about Matt.”
“You never let me do anything I want to do.”
“I said no, and that’s final.”
“Everyone else’s mother is letting them go.”
“You’re starting to make me angry.”
“You’re angry? I’m the one that can’t go to the mall when I need to.”

Wolf said the ‘baby self’ can go on like this for--EVER. And if only once in 20 or so attempts, the ‘baby self’ wears the parent down and gets what it wants, that’s enough to encourage the ‘baby self’s’ ongoing resilience and future emergence. Even though the adolescent does have a ‘mature self’ that should be saying, “OK, this mall-thing is really no big deal. I can go over the weekend, and I really should take it easy tonight,” it’s NOT going to happen at home, where the ‘baby self’ has dominance.

So, what did Wolf say a parent can do? The steps were easy: 1. Make a decision. 2. Express it firmly. 3. Disengage. Even, if you have to leave the room. But, never, ever argue with the ‘baby self.’ If something happens between you and the 'baby self', something that you do need to address, talk about it later when your adolescent’s ‘baby self’ is not dominating.

The hour and a half that Wolf held the audience in his grasp was entertaining and also very encouraging. The adolescent's ‘mature self’ is the REAL self, Wolf explained. It is the ‘mature self’ that the world is seeing, and it is the ‘mature self’ that will emerge almost completely in adulthood.

Dr. Wolf presented a terrific program, so 'thank you' to the two community groups mentioned above for bringing him to Canton. And, if you missed it, why not read the book?